The Revelation (?)

The last couple of weeks had been very bad for me. I hit one of the lowest points in my life and the situation was so bad that if there was a check list on the symptoms of stress/depression, I would have ticked everything that was on the list-seriously. It started with the overwhelming feeling that I felt about the responsibilities that I obtained. Literally, there was nowhere I could go without feeling suffocated, even when I was in the loo! My morale was so low that I had not really been myself. My tolerance level was nearly non-existent, thus I lost my temper easily. I whined too much, that I might have bent the ears of those around me. Despite of everything that I did – throw tantrums and all; to make me feel better, I still feel very bad about myself and the whole situation. To make things worst (or so I thought), I was assigned to be somewhere else for a couple of days. Of course I was frantically upset, as there was a lot to be done at the office. But little did I know that the little escapade would do me good! For once, I got the privilege to be careless to almost everything. No worries, no rush and the best of it all- I was not in charge of anything- it was somewhat a little vacation for me. All I need to do was to bring myself to attend the sessions and endure the whole thing at the comfort of my seat. I was not even required to speak to anyone, if I wish to. The chance to be away from the office and from the house (even for only a while) had given me the time and space that was very much needed. And I am glad to report here that I have found the root of that craziness that I would jot in here for the purpose of sharing and future reminder for myself should the same thing happens again!! My findings #1: The reason I was so miserable lately was due to the fact that I had not been spending time for myself at all. I dedicated all my waking hours for others be it professionally or personally - to accommodate others, their wants, their needs but not for myself. As the results, I got my priorities mixed up, thinking it was my responsibility to make sure that everything’s right - which was not a problem at all especially when I found great satisfaction in delivering a good job. But I would got really crushed up with those people that been taking advantage of my willingness to get things done, and yet dare to blame it on me when things gone wrong even if the mistake was only 1 percent of the whole lot! My solutions: Yes, it was only a nature as an Aquarian to be nurturing, and I was not planning on changing that, it is just that now I have to balance it up, perhaps a little bit just to keep my sanity. So, from now on, I should be spending some time doing what I want, say no to unreasonable demands and occasionally follow my heart instead of my head! My findings #2: Speaking of spending time for myself, perhaps what I should really do with the time is to do some self reflection, or what ever you call it. I am a little bit embarrassed to admit that sometimes I tend to shove my troubles and worries under the carpet. I’d rather do something else for somebody else instead of dealing with my true stuff. So, when things get so frantically crazy, those issues would be rising as well and it only made things worse. I don’t really sure what makes me do that. I just shove those issues aside without even trying to fix it, let alone deal with it. I even secretly wished that all the troubles would just vanish away. Was it because I am too chicken out to deal with the real things? Was it because I got too much on my plate? Or was it because I was not yet ready to deal with it? Hmm…lots of questions but still no answer for any of those…I guess one of the reasons is that my life (or perhaps my surroundings?) is moving at quite a high-pace that I could not really catch up. I did not have the chance to digest everything that been happening to me lately, thus it was so hard for me to determine what I really wanted in this life. My solutions: Perhaps the best thing I could do for now is to take a deep breath, put on a brave face and face everything (one at a time, of course)! All in all, the down point that I experienced had made me realize that I could not do everything and I definitely can’t please everybody. I had to accept the fact that I have my limitation, be it time, energy, attention and care. And by willing to do so many things at once, I actually sabotaging myself and my life…