Quantum of Solace

It’s been 5 months and I finally got the courage to write about it. I lost my second brother, E on May 4 th , 2021 on the 22 nd Ramadhan. His demise was tragic, but there was nothing that we could do about it anyway. I believe that was the best for him. It was God’s plan for him. Just like the rest of his life. And our lives as well… ***** E is my half-brother. We used to live together under the same roof when I was very little. Then he went to live with our relative. He continued his studies at a boarding school in Kuantan. I remember our trip to see him there once, it was at night. That was all that I remembered though. I could not bring myself on how to explain the relationship that we had as siblings. We were not that close that we could joke around with each other, but he was always there. I would see him from time to time. I remember he would come over to the house occasionally, but I could not really remember the conversation that we had, or the things that we did together as a...

I could not help but to notice there is some sort of  'eeriness' in the air for the last couple of days and it is extremely prevalent today.  I'm not sure whether it is related to the fact that we are going to have the 14th General Election tomorrow or is it due to something else. But the mood in the air is not really comforting. Or perhaps it is just me.  ******************************************************* The paragraph above was written on 8th May, around 6 p.m. just as I was leaving the office. It was the day before the GE. I could not bring myself to continue to write about what I exactly feel on that day until today.  Yes, on that day, I got the feeling that I will be leaving the office with the current Government  then  and will come back with a new Government. And it happened. After 60 years. What are the odds of that? Yes, at times I  scare myself too....

Hello peeps! I guess this is not the best way to make my comeback to this page after a 9-month hiatus. But well, I guess this is exactly where I want to be at this moment. I came across this old song 'Knife' in one of the CDs that I found in my car. It's so ironic that I keep on repeating that song in my car on my way to and off work almost everyday. It felt so true, especially when it comes to the chorus part: Cuts like a knife How will I ever heal I'm so deeply wounded Knife Cuts like a knife You cut away the heart of my life When I pretend Wear a smile to fool my dearest friends I wonder if they know It's just a show Little did I knew that yesterday my world crumbles, again.  It is caused by the same knife that had stabbed me at the same spot, and yet the pain remained just as  deep 😢  But I still got to wake up, put on a fake smile and face the world today, as if nothing ever happened despite the fact that I'm d ying inside right now.....

Today is one of those days where everything went wrong. I wore the wrong color, wrong tudung and of course, the office attire that I had chosen earlier this morning didn’t make me feel better too.  So my mood is ruined.  It was lucky that my contact with human beings today was minimal. Otherwise, they might appear in the news tonight with this headline: Colleague was tortured to do an essay on "Why it is important to check and re-check the numbering and format" due to wardrobe malfunction of his supervisor . Heheheh drama sangat. But don’t get me wrong. I’m not THAT superficial . Sudah tentu, baju, tudung, mekap semua tu hanyalah luaran. Yang penting adalah apa di dalam bla bla bla. It’s just that I’m the type of person whose mood can be easily affected by the clothes and colour that I'm wearing that day.   I have discovered this habit of mine when I was an undergraduate. In the morning of the exam, despite the 1,001 things that I need to re-read, I ...

Semalam semasa post ucapan Selamat Hari Pekerja di FB, saya mengimbau  kembali kenangan pekerjaan terawal yang pernah dibuat semenjak remaja hingga kini. Niat di hati sekadar nak berkongsi pengalaman lama. Tetapi, s elepas post status tersebut dan dapat reaksi daripada kawan-kawan,  saya baru tersedar, bahawasanya pengalaman bekerja rencam itu walaupun singkat, telah turut mencorakkan siapa diri saya kini. So, I decided to share the full story here, as a reminder for myself and also as a reminisce of the memories of working for the first time. Pekerjaan pertama saya ialah semasa berumur 19 tahun, kerja sementara semasa cuti semester. Ketika itu saya masih belajar di  Matrikulasi UPM. Niat bekerja memang untuk dapat pendapatan. Abah baru meninggal dunia ketika itu. It was a turning point to me. I realized that I need to leave the old lifestyle and  in order to survive, I have to do something. As an  introvert + low self-esteem (yang melampau ketik...

Semenjak dua menjak ini seolah-olahnya temanya HILANG. Bermula dengan kehilangan pesawat MH370 pada 8 Mac 2014 yang sehingga kini sedang dijejaki, disusuli pula dengan kes-kes kehilangan yang berlaku dalam lingkup peribadi. Menjengah bulan April, saya 'kehilangan' sesuatu yang telah diusahakan bersama selama dua tahun. Tetapi k ehilangan  yang ini semestinya untuk sesuatu yang lebih baik, untuk semua pihak.  Walau pun ianya bukanlah sesuatu yang di luar jangkaan, malahan saya antara yang terawal mengetahui mengenai berita tersebut dan mengetuai proses penyerahan itu, namun sedikit-sebanyak emosi itu tergugat jua. Air mata ini gugur bukan kerana kesedihan, tetapi perasaan yang terusik. Mungkin kerana saya bukan sahaja akan kehilangan sesuatu yang telah menjadi my drive and motivation , malahan akan kehilangan sekumpulan rakan yang telah sama-sama mengharungi susah-payah, suka-duka, ketakutan, kegembiraan, kejayaan, kegagalan, kecemasan dan segala-gala yang berkait deng...

Wow, my last entry was dated 5 February. Agaknya memang tema 'update' blog sebulan sekali? Since this is my blog,  it's a good thing that I don't have to explain to anybody about my 'absence' from blogging. Hahahaha...   But if I must blame someone or something for my absence, I'll say the two main reasons are - (1) Lack of TIME (who hasn't?!) and (2) My current fascination with Instagram. Wah, macamlah ada beribu gambar dalam tu!   I have posted only 19 photos so far, but it is kinda  additive, don't you think? Like the saying, a picture tells a thousand words! Oh yes,  I also blame Instagram it for my deteriorating writing skills. Boleh?   Ok,here's a quick glance of what I'm up to lately...   I'm back to work after taking the full - 90 days maternity leave. Yeah, you heard me right. 90-days of being a full time mom! Like all other mothers who enjoyed the benefit - I have to thank the...

Images from: http://themescompany.com/2012/02/10/quotes-on-trust/

Update 27th to 28th November - Ipoh, Perak Got the directive to go there while I'm in Perlis, 5 hours before my flight back to KL. --------------------------------------------------------------------- My schedule for November 4th to 19th November - Workshop in Taiwan 20th to 21st November - Office 23rd to 24th November - Alor Setar, Kedah 25th to 27th November - Perlis 29th to 30th November - There is a b ig fat chance that I have to go to Penang I hardly have time for myself, so how am I going to have a relationship then?

----------Update 13 October 2008---------- Still tensed..in addition to the readily available stress, I got A call on Sunday (we are on call, 24-7 mind you!) and even though what happened was merely a case of miscommunication, it was enough to make me unable to sleep that night. To make things worse, the 'situation' continued this morning. It was brought up by a different person. I t was not entirely my fault, but still I feel t he burden of guilt. To think about it, who am I to tanggung semua tu? As that person that I had hurt on Friday tu , still haven't got the answer whether my apology is accepted or not. Dah tanya dah, but no answer. One more thing that made me feel guilty.. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Baru separuh hari at work, but I’m already feeling stress out / overwhelm / whatever you call it. I’m soo down and tensed that I have reached a point where I can’t do anything at all despite the fact that I got piles of work...

Word of caution: This is a very me-me entry. So please forgive the sense of selfishness through out the entry =) I’m a person with principle. But don’t get me wrong- I’m not implying here that I have strong principle nor what I believe is entirely true-but I do believe in what I think is right/appropriate and hold on to that. However of late I find that sometimes I stick to my principle too strongly that it has made me a rather egoistic person a.k.a. stubborn. And oh yes, I think I got quite a strong instinct too that makes me think that I’m always right (which is of course not true!). So just imagine the consequences having both traits – a super egoistic me. I’m critical especially when it comes to work- perhaps too much that some people might find me intimidating. (No prize of guessing why I’m still single!!). If I don’t agree with something, I feel very uneasy if I don’t speak back. But this only applies for subjects/things that I feel strongly about (thank God!). If I don’t regar...

This is my much ‘tenang’ version (which is today): I just love this song: not so much because of the lyrics but the title really suit today’s entry. It’s no secret that I’m hopeless in the communication department. I found it’s hard to say what’s inside my head and heart when it comes to personal matters -those things besides work. If it is professional, I don’t have any problem at all. So most of the time, perhaps all the time, I’ll just keep quiet whenever I was hurt by others words, action etc. Call me weak, low self esteem what-ever, but I would try really hard to avoid any kind of conflict. Perhaps I was too afraid to think of what the consequences would be if I just speak out. Perhaps I am more into making assumptions.. This is my actual-real time version (yesterday): When will I ever learn that what I think or feel is not IMPORTANT. Perhaps when I finally came to this realization, I would be able to protect my feeling from being crushed up what so ever. I have been in this si...

I borrowed this entry's title from one of Judy Blume's book "Here's to You, Rachel". I read the book when I was in secondary school, after all this years, I wonder how I can still remember this one line from the book. Yeah, our minds are great. Sometimes I even think it is capable to out-done us. Just like today..of all the things, what came into my mind today was something that had happened exactly two years ago. A nd as I'm writing this entry, it is actually almost at the exact time... I used to be optimistic, but I'm not anymore after 29 May 2006. Yes, I’ve moved on, I’ve met new people, slowly but surely I've been coping quite well with life after that. But now it seems that there's a little box deep inside my mind that still been keeping this.. I just don't really realize that it is still there after all this time. Perhaps this is because there was something that I meant to say that time, but I didn't..if only I could pour my heart ou...

I finally made it official yesterday-the break-up . That was a long overdue matter that I was supposed to resolve quite sometimes ago, but I didn’t and I blamed it all to my personality- I’m stubborn but yet sensitive towards other people feelings. These conflicting traits that I have in me have made me a rather confused, indecisive person when it comes to personal matters. However, it is ironic though to read my horoscope these two consecutive days prior to the break-up- Aquarius, 25 March – Sooner or later you will have to explain to others about 1 or 2 rather complicated situations. Ideally you’ll do this around the week’s closed, when both Mercury & the Venus meet your ruler Uranus, boosting both your ability to say what needs to be said. Aquarius, 26 March -Too often you have had to cope with those who insist on theirs interests coming first. Consequently, you do all you can to be fair, sometimes too much so. But circumstances have turned the tables, and you must become one of...

I was assigned to this particular task - which was not that difficult or complicated at all, but it required me to do the liaising with all the parties involved- which were by the way internal parties only. However, I don’t know why, out of quite a number of people that I had to deal with, these 2 particular people would always get into my nerves. REALLY! They would make a fuss of everything and their complaints would vary-from our instructions being too general then it was too detail ( pelik, kan?). And they were not only complaining but criticizing as well! I understand their circumstances and all, even the others had voiced out their concern too regarding this matter- but I really couldn’t stand the way these particular people conveyed the message, which was VERY irritating! Dari nak tolong, langsung tak jadi….!! Having to communicate with them every day (sometimes it up to a few times a day) was a very torturous ordeal. This task really drained out my energy - tolerance level jan...

The trouble with love is It can tear you up inside Make your heart believe a lie It's stronger then your pride The trouble with love is It doesn't care how fast you fall And you can't refuse the call See you've got no say at all If Kelly Clarkson perfectly describes her trouble with love as above, my dilemma would be with my HEART. The trouble with my heart is that it knows no logics and never agrees with my mind. It’s like my heart is messing with my mind.... And today was no exception. What happened was really sweet but when I finally got to my senses again, I asked myself “What was I thinking?”… The trouble is, I didn't think, it was just my heart . ......

The last couple of weeks had been very bad for me. I hit one of the lowest points in my life and the situation was so bad that if there was a check list on the symptoms of stress/depression, I would have ticked everything that was on the list- seriously . It started with the overwhelming feeling that I felt about the responsibilities that I obtained. Literally, there was nowhere I could go without feeling suffocated, even when I was in the loo! My morale was so low that I had not really been myself. My tolerance level was nearly non-existent, thus I lost my temper easily. I whined too much, that I might have bent the ears of those around me. Despite of everything that I did – throw tantrums and all; to make me feel better, I still feel very bad about myself and the whole situation. To make things worst (or so I thought), I was assigned to be somewhere else for a couple of days. Of course I was frantically upset, as there was a lot to be done at the office. But little did I know tha...

It’s only been half a day, but I’m already exhausted…really drained out… Everything went out wrong today and people could really get into my nerves, really. I tried to think of happy thoughts- things that those motivational gurus teach us to do, but nothing works. Perhaps all the stuff are just crap… only you yourself would know what’s good for you and what will make you feel better. Other people can only make us feel better only if we allow them to.. I know this sounds cliché, but it’s all in your mind… And I never imagine that my first entry would be this depressing…….