The Unforgiven

It’s been 5 months and I finally got the courage to write about it. I lost my second brother, E on May 4^th, 2021 on the 22^nd Ramadhan. His demise was tragic, but there was nothing that we could do about it anyway.

I believe that was the best for him. It was God’s plan for him. Just like the rest of his life. And our lives as well…

*****

E is my half-brother. We used to live together under the same roof when I was very little. Then he went to live with our relative. He continued his studies at a boarding school in Kuantan. I remember our trip to see him there once, it was at night. That was all that I remembered though.

I could not bring myself on how to explain the relationship that we had as siblings. We were not that close that we could joke around with each other, but he was always there. I would see him from time to time. I remember he would come over to the house occasionally, but I could not really remember the conversation that we had, or the things that we did together as a family. 

For some reasons, I had these selective memories of my childhood. I would remember something so vividly, for instance the wholesome chocolate cake that I had for my 2^nd birthday, and yet most of the other things were just vanished into thin air, just like how we were as kids.

But I remember about the little treasures that he left behind during his stay - his cassettes tapes. I still remember the artistes - a couple of MJ’s, Air Supply and Belinda Carlisle. I got to know and appreciate some of the most memorable songs in my life because of him. And I never returned the cassettes back to him.

I also remember that as a child, I spent a lot of my time reading. After I was finished with my own books, I read my Mom’s collection of women magazines and when we used to live together, I went to search for his book as well. But then I found out that Viking comics and story books with dragons in it were not my cup of tea.

E was really smart. He went to further his studies abroad under a full scholarship programme. We would still be in touch back then. He even sent us his varsities merchandise. E went back after getting a degree in chemical engineering and worked in another state. But we were still in touch. Though we were not that close, he was always around.

*****

I was not really sure how it started or happened, perhaps I was too young. But after sometimes, we were made to understand that he was not well. He was then being put under the care of another relative and he was staying at their property until the end of his life.

Then my father passed away. My world changed. Then I found about the ugly truth about life. I was too busy figuring and building my own life after that to the extent that I might forgot of his existence. Not completely of course because there would always  be some relatives that would asked me “How is E?” I guess he was always there, even at the back of my mind.

With God’s willing, I finally got almost everything in place and gaining back my confidence. I also have a new set of family from MH’s side - the one that really open up my eyes on how ‘normal’ siblings should be. Every time I see how close their siblings are, I could not help but to think of my own. 

Finally, I reached out for him and went to visit him with my small family. I brought him KFC. It was very small gesture, but he kept on mentioning that moment until the last time we spoke to each other. Then we continued to talk occasionally over the phone and he would always asked “When are you going to come here again?”

We never did. I thought of it, but it was never materialized. There was always something that holding me up, I did not know why until it was too late. It was definitely not him, he was happy to have us there ~ he brought us to his quarters and showed us around. It was me the entire time. I had a hard time to accept the reality and see his condition with my own eyes.

The one time I went to reach out for him, he went MIA. I thought of meeting him and maybe bring him to attend a relative’s wedding as he was staying on that part of the state, but he did not answer the call. And that was it.

We continued to talk over the phone. But that was not the whole thing. With him being unstable, most of the time he would frantically calling me ~ talked about random things, most of the time asking about our youngest brother (he was so proud of him) and then he would hang up suddenly and called me back. Perhaps this slaps me into the reality that he was not well but I was too afraid to face it.

So,  I ignored his calls sometimes. I did not know how I could be so cruel while most of the time I do not even have the heart to ignore the calls from telemarketers and stuff. But why I did that to him?

But he would always there. He would always called me back ~ always reaching out for me even when I was not, and even ignoring him. He would texted me too. Random, but heavy and well written stuff about economics, politics, mostly things that occurred from the 90’s. I guess that was when his mind was working perfectly fine. And that made me sad.

We continued to live on like that - sometimes I answered, but most of the time I ignored his call. I never realized how frustrating that might be for him. Then it was COVID and the last time we spoke to each other, I told him that we would come to visit him after everything is over. And it was too late.

I was at the office one afternoon when I got the news about his passing. There was nothing I could do to turn back time.  I could accept the fact that he is gone, it's part of qada' and qadar. I could not help but to be mad at myself because I let him gone through that phase all alone. Of all people, I should have known him better.  I am his sister, but I failed him, big time. 

I bottled up this feeling for so long, but I really need to let it out, once and for all in order for me to carry on. 

I regretted the whole time that I ignored his calls and messages.

I regretted not seeing him sooner.

I regretted that I never told him that I love him.

What was his favourite food? I never asked and I would never know.

I took him for granted because he was always around.

I don't want to reminded of what could have, what should have or would have been, but every time I looked at my phone log and saw his messages, unreturned calls, I would feel the pain.

That's is how our memory works - it made us remember the happy times that we've had together and yet it never failed to reminded us of the time that we've made a mistake. Unforgiving.

#Unforgiven