4Bs

*Disclaimer - this entry is not about the UPSR result!

 

I'm the kind of person that finds it's easier to express my thoughts and feelings through writing rather than talking it out-aloud. Whenever I'm feeling overwhelmed with my life and surrounding, I prefer to write it down because it is therapeutic. It's actually easier for me to talk to a large crowd like during meetings or presentations when it come to work or other issue, rather than talking to one person, about my true feelings.

 

Yes, I'm a contradicting person.

 

During my schooldays  (a.k.a non-digital days hahaha) I kept a personal journal where I jot down about my hopes, anger, frustrations and even insecurities, that I bet most people, even those who were close to me, didn't know about.

 

So when it comes to the digital era, blogging is an easier way for me to write and I even took the bold step to share about my private thoughts with other people. Even people that I don't even know. While I find it useful to get feedbacks from the others (bajet popular macam ramai sangat reader), at times, it didn't really serve the purpose - especially when I am angry/frustrated/ perasaan yang sewaktu dengannya as I have to actually think hard while I'm writing (atau lebih tepat lagi, typing) so that I don't reveal too much, atau pun mendedahkan mana-mana individu yang berkenaan because I never intended to memburukkan mana-mana individu through my writing. It's just my expression during that time. Because as I type the words away, I actually find some sense to calm me down. That's my way in managing my anger, hence, the label 'Anger Management'.

 

Then came the social media. In a way, I blame the  3Bs - the 'blue Book', the 'blue Bird' and the 'Brown camera' for my lack of 'true' writing nowadays (bajet hard core writer pulak). I mean it's so easy and fast to update what you're doing/thinking/going/even eating at that moment, rather than blogging. And you can get tremendous responds (comments/likes/loves) in a split second that can make you 'high' for a moment (again bajet popular!). I also find that it's more convenient to 're-connect' with your family, long-lost friends through the 3Bs.

 

But the downside of it is that it's too spontaneous that sometimes you don't even think long enough before updating the status or post anything, and ended up regretting the post, as it is too shallow, or too vain, or too mean. And sometimes, I regretted pushing the 'send' button too fast because of the spelling/grammatical error (hehehe). And it's more viral too. In short, it's easier to make 'social' damage through the social media as compared to any other medium.

 

The reason I'm writing this entry was because all of the sudden I feel guilty for only resorting to real writing (or rather blogging) when I'm feeling completely frustrated/confused/trapped. I believe whichever medium of expression that I'm using, it should reflect the real me. So I don't want my blog (cum life journal) fill with unhappy things. It will make me sound like a sad, lonely, angry woman, while the fact is, I'm not (betul, tak tipu, hehehe).

 

So, to make up to my beloved blog and my true love of writing (cewah), I will make a vow today (wah berani mak!) to be fair to all my 4Bs - that I'll limit the use of the 'blue Bird' for official/work-related status, the 'blue Book' and 'Brown camera' for connecting with family and friends, while this ol', trusty 'beloved Blog' for the real me. My space for self reflection. (Hopefully!).